One-sided love

I see myself in your eyes, as if I am not drowning in my sadness

As if they'll disappear, I'll see your eyes from afar

My heart pounds restlessly within my painful chest

I breathe deeply, and I can't laugh

As if I had been imprisoned by you, as if I had been rejected by you

My heart grows frightened, and don't tell me why, no matter what

Call my name, as if I am not drowning in my sadness

I made no mistake, despite where I was

No one grieves, and I continue to search for kindness

I want to know your strengths and your weaknesses

My fingers seem to reach you, but my feelings cannot reach you

I'm afraid of destroying tomorrow, but I don't want to surrender, my chest aches

I thought that every I wish I made will be granted

But selfish time ended it

I had seen how that loneliness will stretch

It's like walking into a little light

My fingers seem to reach you, but my feelings cannot reach you

I'm afraid of losing you, but I don't want to surrender, no matter what 

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This song is really one of my favorites! A story about wanting to love but fearing rejection (Damn... Sounds like me :/ ). Tragedy, sadness, rejection, love all rolled into one song. I think this song reflects me very strongly when I think about it.

The need to find love, but fearing that I'll be rejected. Fearing that what me and the other party had will just crumble. I don't like that part of me. For those of you who know that I'm impulsive, know that is because I do not fear. But when I stop and thinking about for quite sometime, it is because I fear. Considering whether is it truly worth it to find the one I love? How long can I make it last? If it has to end, can I handle it? I see people around telling me I won't understand the pain till I experienced it. But then I looked at those who are "very experienced". Despite being in loads of relationships, when they break up, that guy goes and emo for a loooong time. So I'm like "Huh... Experience so as hell doesn't make it feel any less painful."

Wanting to reach out. Wanting to take a step forward. Fearing that I'll fall... Sigh......

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Well on the bright note, I'm seriously going to learn to play a stringed instrument!! Either a violin or a guitar! Its now it been price vs dreams. Violin is gonna be very expensive but its been my life's dream to learn how to play it. While the guitar is a cheaper alternative but I dunno... I feel like I'm so "malay" if I learn it (NO OFFENSE TO MALAY GUITARISTS OUT THERE!!). Gaaaaaahh!!! New objective!! Find the total price for both instrument with graded lessons and make a decision! I have a few more months before I truly commit myself!! And no... An ukulele is off the list. Kinda too small for my taste :x

Change

Change... So fearful but yet, so necessary.

I wish to change... no. I want to change. But... I'm scared of changing.

Right now, there's this heaviness in my heart whenever I think about how can I change.

How is it that I can change?

Changing the level of my maturity?

Making myself more or less unique?

Should I live life spontaneously or think things through?

How can I achieve change?

Talking to Han made me realize:

1)Change is slow. It cannot be rushed.

2)You don't change one thing. You must change many things before you change on the whole.

Han kept telling me I need to get out of my comfort zone. Now the question, just how big is my comfort zone? There's so many questions I have about... me. Why? Because, I usually don't sit down and reflect about myself. I'm the type that doesn't blame myself but others, for which I apologize if I hurt anyone due to that part of me.

Really now. If I try to think about things, I get all depressed about it. Especially at night. No idea why. Wish I could reach a time where I don't have to get all emotional/depressed just because its night. Am I really that scared to change?

I feel like I'm tied down by too many things. That I'm afraid of break even one of these chains. I'm too scared that if I break them, I can't fix them back. I know what if I don't try, I won't know. Its just that these chains subconsciously affect the decisions I make just so I still stay within their cold, hard reach.

What I think is missing in my life. Frankly speaking, someone I can be in love with. After being single for so long, I'm kind of craving for what it is like to be in a relationship. I might sound childish or stupid, but I'm the type to try out something I haven't had experience in. As what I'd like to say "I have never felt was is means to love or to hate. I have yet to reach both ends of the spectrum." I could wait longer. In fact, I do know of some people who are older than me being single all the way. Call me desperate, which technically I am, but I don't go around whining about being single.

In fact, I'm glad that I have friends I can talk to about these kinds of things. Especially those who are in relationships themselves. But whenever I hear stories on how weird/scary BGR can be, I'm thankful that I'm not in one. Though, there will be this part nagging at me. I like to visualize what I'd do if I'm in those situations, but like I said, they are just visualizations. So I always want to know, what would I do if I was in that position? My need to know and my need to experience plaguing my thoughts every night. Its worse that I don't have anyone I can talk to about, another reason I wish I had that special person...

But no matter, I still have time. Like what Han said, I should go out and socialize more. Though I kinda feel like I'm socializing enough but, one can't be too careful. I must remind myself that I can't just wait for the other party to put in effort to get to know me while I wait on a silver platter. I should remind myself that even when I've put in effort, it all depends whether I have put in enough effort or whether the other party chooses to accept my effort or not.

I guess I should go back and become my random,never-think-about-things self. At least for now. At least till the time is right... At least after I learn to play a stringed instrument~~