Change

Change... So fearful but yet, so necessary.

I wish to change... no. I want to change. But... I'm scared of changing.

Right now, there's this heaviness in my heart whenever I think about how can I change.

How is it that I can change?

Changing the level of my maturity?

Making myself more or less unique?

Should I live life spontaneously or think things through?

How can I achieve change?

Talking to Han made me realize:

1)Change is slow. It cannot be rushed.

2)You don't change one thing. You must change many things before you change on the whole.

Han kept telling me I need to get out of my comfort zone. Now the question, just how big is my comfort zone? There's so many questions I have about... me. Why? Because, I usually don't sit down and reflect about myself. I'm the type that doesn't blame myself but others, for which I apologize if I hurt anyone due to that part of me.

Really now. If I try to think about things, I get all depressed about it. Especially at night. No idea why. Wish I could reach a time where I don't have to get all emotional/depressed just because its night. Am I really that scared to change?

I feel like I'm tied down by too many things. That I'm afraid of break even one of these chains. I'm too scared that if I break them, I can't fix them back. I know what if I don't try, I won't know. Its just that these chains subconsciously affect the decisions I make just so I still stay within their cold, hard reach.

What I think is missing in my life. Frankly speaking, someone I can be in love with. After being single for so long, I'm kind of craving for what it is like to be in a relationship. I might sound childish or stupid, but I'm the type to try out something I haven't had experience in. As what I'd like to say "I have never felt was is means to love or to hate. I have yet to reach both ends of the spectrum." I could wait longer. In fact, I do know of some people who are older than me being single all the way. Call me desperate, which technically I am, but I don't go around whining about being single.

In fact, I'm glad that I have friends I can talk to about these kinds of things. Especially those who are in relationships themselves. But whenever I hear stories on how weird/scary BGR can be, I'm thankful that I'm not in one. Though, there will be this part nagging at me. I like to visualize what I'd do if I'm in those situations, but like I said, they are just visualizations. So I always want to know, what would I do if I was in that position? My need to know and my need to experience plaguing my thoughts every night. Its worse that I don't have anyone I can talk to about, another reason I wish I had that special person...

But no matter, I still have time. Like what Han said, I should go out and socialize more. Though I kinda feel like I'm socializing enough but, one can't be too careful. I must remind myself that I can't just wait for the other party to put in effort to get to know me while I wait on a silver platter. I should remind myself that even when I've put in effort, it all depends whether I have put in enough effort or whether the other party chooses to accept my effort or not.

I guess I should go back and become my random,never-think-about-things self. At least for now. At least till the time is right... At least after I learn to play a stringed instrument~~